The Lord of the... whatever, Book V, Chapter 5:
The Ride Of The Rohirrim
It was dark and Morrie (Otto) was awakened by the smell of gasoline and
burning tires. He felt the throb in his head and remembered the night
before. He remembered being thrown out of the Winnebago. "Stupid blonde," he
cursed. "I should have never ridden with her. Oh, what the heck; I'm Morrie,
or someone like that, now, and I'm supposed to go around riding on motorcycles
with hot royalty."
He dimly recall the wild night of riding the bike through the plains of
Rohan. Eowynifred's hair blowing in his face. The smell of her perfume and
Wormtounge's liquids on her. And then the crash. Eowynifred, in a moment
of frenzied ecstasy, had rode the bike so fast that she forgot to watch out
for the King and the dwarves. She plowed through the dwarves and charged
straight into HeyHoDen and his mount which had just stopped to take a dump.
Just then Eonard tumbled over Morrie's (Otto's) prostrate form in the
"What the hell?"
"Oh, sorry dude, I didn't mean to trip you."
"Sure you didn't. What the hell are you doing out here anyway?"
"I fell off the motorcycle and just got up. I was talking to myself."
"Sure you were, you pothead. Playing with yourself is more like it. I
swear I heard you say the word blonde..."
After merrily clearing up this mess with Eonard, Morrie (Otto) set out with
him to see what HeyHoDen was up to. They found the King sitting at the
nearest Taco Bell munching on a chalupa while Balin and the dwarves sat
"Stupid pigs, I told then I wanted the damn dog in the commercial, not the
chalupa," growled HeyHoDen.
"Now, now," said Balin, "Its better than crap you know."
"Actually I rather prefer crap. A little ketchup makes a huge difference,
you know," commented Wormtounge.
"Shut up, you fool," said HeyHoDen. "We are totally screwed in the ass.
Those pigs are gonna catch up with us before we get to Gondor and the City
"Just wish there was some wild man to show us a short cut to -"
Just then a totally naked man jumped in front of them. He wore nothing
but a feather in his hair and held a crushed Coke can in his hand. Eowynifred
nearly fainted with delight.
"How. I am Sitting Bull of the injuni. I come to make peace and
smoke weed with the white man."
"Hey, count me in too," said Morrie (Otto).
"Listen, you naked old freak," HeyHoDen shouted. "We don't need weed, we
need a shortcut through the woods so that we can plunder Gondor."
"Don't listen to that dildo," shouted Morrie, even louder, "Give me that
The injun reached behind him and with a grunt produced a pipe.
"Ain't nothing like a wide anus to store your pipe in, man," commented
Sitting Bull grinned and proceeded to light it up and pass the pipe around.
After everyone was totally stoned he proceeded to talk.
"I help you find shortcut. I show you way to Stoned City. There you
destroy Magic Mountain and that bastard Denethor. As he dies tell him
never to throw trash in my forests again. Then you leave injuni alone to
their pipe-weed smoking. Aight?"
"Sure thing," said Balin. "Lead the way, dude."
"Wait up," shouted HeyHoDen, "what if this naked freak of nature leads us
into a trap and kills us all?"
"Then we'll kill him," said Balin.
"But if we're already dead how are we gonna kill--" muttered Eonard.
"Splendid," shouted HeyHoDen. "Lead the way, Sitting Bull. And remember,
the only good injun is a dead injun."
The small company consisting of the royal family, Morrie (Otto), the
dwarves, and Sitting Bull passed into the forest. They traveled and
traveled and traveled. After some time they stopped to view the wonders of
Dunland. They saw Pooh in the honey tree. "Yum, yum." They saw the
lamppost still burning bright. HeyHoDen went over for a walk with Aslan and
learned new and interesting ways to impersonate Christ. Robin Hood
himself dropped by for a chat and got instantly hooked on Eowynifred. He
insisted on calling her Maid Marian and followed her for many miles until
she utterly rejected him by making sweet love to Sitting Bull. Robin
instantly took his arrow and slit his own wrists, dying in a pool of his own
blood, rejected by a fair lover. They journeyed on, stopping at fast food
restaurants and eating plain old crap when there was nothing else. And so
this relievingly short chapter drew to an end as Morrie (Otto) sat on the
ground and prepared some "grass" with a couple of injuni who had come along
for the ride.
"Tomorrow, Gondor and all her riches and glory," muttered HeyhoDen
"Can't wait to get my hands on Denethor," injected Eowynifred. "I've
heard that those Stewards are great in bed, way better than the Kings of old -
like that sad flab Aragorn, or whatever his name is."
"Oh, man, this weed is great."
"Morrie, when this war stuff is over, I'm coming over to the Shire and
growing a plantation for myself."
"Good stuff, this pipe weed."
"Don't hell yeah me, you dingaling. I'm the King, HeyHoDen the
Mighty Pipe and Bong Smoker."
HeyHoden smiled, lay down in his sleeping bag, farted and started stroking
the lovable hobbit (Otto).
This chapter of this epic work is presented through the courtesy of
Jonathan Stefanovic <jonste-aaaaaaat-hotmail-dawt-com>.
Copyright © 2001 by the author. All rights reserved. Some variance between this
e-text and the original printed material by Professor Tolkien is inevitable. Using this
as an electronic resource for scholarly or research purposes may lead to a certain
degree of academic embarassment. All agree that the printed version of the text,
available from respectable publishers such as Houghton Mifflin and Ballantine Books,
is to be preferred.
Denethor and Gondor are trademarks of Saul Zaentz and Tolkien Enterprises, who hold all merchandising rights to Gondor and its subsidiaries.
For those who are interested, Erwin Schrödinger was the Austrian theoretical physicist who first postulated the theory now known as "Schrödinger's Hobbit" (which states that an unobserved hobbit in a box is 50% Morrie and 50% Otto).