progress has achieved wonderful things, too. Paving. Asphalt. Smog. Car alarms that wake you up in the middle of the fucking night. Carcinogenic food. The Exxon Valdez. That stereo in the apartment upstairs. Hydrogen bombs. Hormone-injected meat. Artificial coloring. Alarm clocks (and a society so dependent on measured time that we need alarm clocks). Television, and a society that has replaced "How can we improve the human condition?" with "Hey, did'ja see the Simpsons last night? Huh huh". An Internet where people like us can waste away their free time instead of going out and having a life. Yeah! Progress! I love it! Get me the genetic splicing kit! I want to make a new kind of trout!
1) Cook a 35-pound Butterball turkey so it's just exactly the way you like it. 2) Sequester the turkey up your left sleeve. 3) Go to your in-laws' house. While waiting for dinner to be served, do lots of small aerobic exercises with your left arm; the heat will keep the turkey warm. (Try not to be too obvious. If anyone asks, tell them you have an itch.) 4) As you sit down with everyone else at the dinner table, pick up your fork with your
Lord blessed the latter part of Job's life more than the first. He had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, a thousand yoke of oxen, and a thousand donkeys. And he also had several sons and three daughters. The first daughter was named Dove, the second Cinnamon and the third Eyeshadow Kit. Nowhere in all the land were there found women as beautiful as
right hand, hold it up above your head, and say, "Hey! My fork's dirty!" 5) There will be approximately 1\4-to-1\5th of a second where everyone will be looking up at the fork in your right hand. While they are so doing, place the new turkey deftly onto the serving platter with your left hand and then palm your brother-in-law's turkey up your left sleeve. (You should practice this with turkeys at home for a few weeks before you attempt it with an audience.) 6) Smile, say, "Oh, I guess my fork's clean after all," and sit down to a delicious holiday meal.